Over 100 Funny Clean Jokes
96Clean Jokes for All Audiences
© Stephanie Hicks 2008
Looking for a good ice breaker for your church fundraising potluck? Does your son need to bring a funny joke to his next scout meeting? Tired of hearing the same old boring tales that aren't really funny, or getting embarrassed by humor that is better shared on the golf course, or at a bar (i.e. not among mixed company). You need a one-stop "shopping list," so to speak of funny clean jokes - hilarious tales that are suitable to tell around the children, but that will actually make you laugh, as well.
I've grouped some classics (and new funnies) in familiar categories for easy selection, and put together a large group of 100 side-splitting funny clean jokes. Why not bookmark this page so you've got a good diversion during the day? Try telling a few of them aloud to your eight-year old. When you overhear him relating one of these to his own friends, I guarantee you'll be laughing even harder. Enjoy!
Cluck, Cluck, Cluck!!
Chicken Crossing the Road Jokes
Why did the chicken cross the road halfway?
-She wanted to lay it on the line
Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?
- He heard the referee calling fowls
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
-To get to the other slide!
Why did the chicken scientist cross the road?
-To invent the other side
What Do You Get When You Cross A Chicken And A Pit Bull?
-Just The Pit Bull
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Clean Jokes about Animals
How does a farmer count a herd of cows?
-With a Cowculator
What's a cow's favorite moosical note?
-Beef-flat
Why don't cats play poker in the jungle?
-Too many cheetahs
What do cats like to eat for breakfast?
-Mice Krispies
A man was driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back seat. The police stop him and say that he can't drive around with the penguins in the car and should take them to the zoo. The man agrees and drives off.
The next day the same man is driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back and again. He is stopped by the same police officer who says, "Hey! I though I told you to take those to the zoo."
The man replies "I did. Today I'm taking them to the movies."
Three birders walk into a bar. The fourth one ducks. (ha....!!)
Birder 1: What kind of bird is that?
Birder 2: A gulp.
Birder 1: A gulp? Never heard of it.
Birder 2: It's like a swallow, only it's bigger
What do you get when you cross a dog with a telephone?
-A Golden Receiver!
What did the dog say when he sat on the sandpaper?
-Rough! Rough!
MERGER ANNOUNCEMENT: Polygram Records, Warner Brothers and Keebler: New company will be called Poly-Warner-Cracker.
(kids love this one....)
A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Do you have any grapes?" The bartender says, "No, I am sorry, we have cherries and olives but no grapes." "Oh," says the duck and leaves. Ten minutes later the duck returns and asks the same bartender, "Do you have any grapes?" "Like I said before, we have cherries and olives, but WE DON'T HAVE GRAPES!" says the bartender. "Oh," says the duck and leaves. But ten minutes later the duck returns and again asks, "Do you have any grapes?" "Look, beak lips," screams the bartender. "WE HAVE NO GRAPES!, we will never have NO grapes! and if you ask me again, I am going to nail your webby little feet to the floor!!!" "Oh," says the duck and leaves. Ten minutes later, the door swings open and the duck returns. The bartender is furious. He slams a bottle of beer down on the bar, stares menacingly at the duck and screams, "WHAT???!!" "Uh...uh...do ...you ...have...any....NAILS?" "Nails? Nails? No, we don't have nails," answers the bartender. "Mmmm," says the duck. "So, do you have any grapes?"
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Religion Jokes (Rated PG)
A woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. "What denomination?" asked the clerk. "Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well, give me 50 Catholic and 50 Baptist ones."
Rumor has it Billy Graham Ministries is starting up a Emotional Support Group for middle aged men experiencing hair loss. Apparently they close every meeting with the benediction, "Go, and thin no more!"
They have Dial-a-Prayer for atheists now. You can call up and it rings and rings but nobody answers.
Good King Wenceslas went out to the pizza parlour and ordered a pizza. The assistant asked, "Do you want your usual? Deep pan, crisp and even?"
A vicar was talking to one of his parishioners. He said "When you get to my age you spend a lot more time thinking about the hereafter." "What do you say that", enquires the parishioner. The vicar replies "Well, I often find myself going into a room and thinking what did I come in hear after."
How many Episcopalians does it take to change a light bulb?
-10. One to actually change the bulb, and 9 to say how much they like the old one
How many Catholics does it take to change a light bulb?
-Two, one to do it and a priest to hear him confess and give the old bulb last rites
How many Presbyterians does it take to change a light bulb?
-Well, it should require about five committees to review the idea first. If each is staffed with half a dozen members, that's what ... 30?
Once there was a guy named Joe. One day he died and found himself standing in front of the pearly gates.
St. Peter: "Joe, if you can answer one question, I'll let you into heaven." Joe: "sounds easy enough."
St. Peter: "O.K., who is with you always?" Joe: "Oh, that's easy: Andy!"
St. Peter: "Andy?" Joe: "Yeah, haven't you heard that hymn, ‘Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me?'"
The Top 10 Things People Think About While Singing a Hymn
10. The pot roast.
9. What does pastor wear under robes?
8. Will the person behind me ever hit the right note?
7. 90 minutes till kickoff.
6. Did I turn off the curling iron?
5. The likelihood of the ceiling fan falling and hitting me on the head.
4. How many people have lost more hair than I have?
3. How would the hymn sound if Metallica played it?
2. Are there doughnuts at fellowship?
1. How many more verses?
Knock Knock Jokes
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Dwayne.
Dwayne who?
Dwayne the bathtub, I'm dwowning!
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Max.
Max who?
Max no difference to you, just let me in!
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Yachts
Yachts who?
Yachts up, doc?
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Ya
Ya who?
What are you getting so excited about?
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Vera
Vera Who?
Vera few people think these jokes are funny!
Computer Jokes
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now writes error messages for Microsoft Corporation.
*************************
Why was the computer so tired when it got home?
-Because it had a hard drive!
**************************
Signs that you need to get away from the computer
You try to enter your password on the microwave.
You email your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he emails you back, 'What's for dinner dad?'
Your daughter sets up a web site to sell Girl Scout Cookies.
You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.
Knock Knock (Practical Joke)
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Husband and Wife Jokes
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is
Jimmy and Kathy are newlyweds in the honeymoon suite on their wedding night, and Kathy's in the bathroom. As Jimmy's getting undressed he says to himself, "How am I going to tell her? How am I going to tell my new wife that I have the world's smelliest feet?" Then he throws his socks under the bed. Kathy walks out of the bathroom, and, too chicken to face her, Jimmy runs past her and *he* goes into the bathroom. Kathy sits on the edge of the bed and says to herself, How am I going to tell him? How am I going to tell my new husband that I have the world's worst breath? I've got to tell him." Just then Jimmy walks out of the bathroom. Kathy runs up to him, gives him a huge wet kiss, pulls back and says, "Honey, I've got to tell you something." Jimmy says, "Yeah, I know. You just ate my socks."
A guy calls the hospital. He says, "You gotta send help! My wife's going into labor!" The nurse says, "Calm down. Is this her first child?" He says, "No! This is her husband!"
Married men should forget their mistakes. There is no need for two people to remember the same thing.
A couple walking in the park noticed a young man and woman sitting on a bench, passionately kissing. "Why don't you do that?" said the wife. "Honey," replied her husband, "I don't even know that woman!
A wife complains, "A wall clock almost killed my mother today. It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch." Her husband mumbled, "Clock always was slow."
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Got to Include Some Blonde Jokes
A blonde went to a flight school insisting she wanted to learn to fly.
As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her by radio on how to pilot the solo helicopter.
He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way. After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it!
The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."
After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.
A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away.
He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage. When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold.
I can barely remember anything after I turned off the big fan!"
************
A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.
"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"
"Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped.
"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I served to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ...."
"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."
*********
Why did the blonde climb over the glass wall?
-To see what was on the other side.
*********
There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.
The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"
Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"
Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00
The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"
Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.
*********
Two blondes lock their keys in the car. One of the blondes tries to break into the car while the the other one watches.
Finally the first blonde says "Darn, I can't get in the car!" The other blond replies, "keep trying, it looks like it is going to rain and the top is down"
*********
A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."
When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" said the doctor.
"No, from skipping," replied the blonde.
Riddles
What two things can you never eat for breakfast?
-Lunch and Dinner
If you have it, you want to share it. If you share it, you don't have it. What is it?
-A secret
What stays in bed most of the day and sometimes go to the bank?
-A stream
Imagine you are in a sinking rowboat surrounded by sharks. How would you survive?
-Quit imagining!
What has to be broken before it can be used?
-An egg
Ponderisms
What do little birdies see, when they get knocked unconscious?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?
What's another word for synonym?
If the cop arrests a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
How come SUPERMAN could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
Funny Puns and One-Liners
Corduroy pillows are making headlines
Every morning is the dawn of a new error
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I
What's the definition of a will? (Come on, it's a dead giveaway!)
A backwards poet writes inverse
He had a photographic memory that was never developed
If a clock is hungry does it go back four seconds?
The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large
Acupuncture is a jab well done
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion
If you don't pay your exorcist, will you get repossessed?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana
Without geometry, life is pointless
Doctor Jokes
"Doctor, please hurry. My son swallowed a razor-blade."
"Don't panic, I'm coming immediately. Have you done anything yet ?"
"Yea, I shaved with the electric razor."
************
Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 HOURS! That's terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the very bad news?
Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.
***********
Doctor: "I've got very bad news - you've got cancer and Alzheimer's"
Patient: "Well, at least I don't have cancer"
**********
A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE: "Doctor, I have an ear ache."
2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
2000 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"
Lawyer Jokes
A new client had just come in to see a famous lawyer.
"Can you tell me how much you charge?", said the client.
"Of course", the lawyer replied, "I charge $200 to answer three questions!"
"Well that's a bit steep, isn't it?"
"Yes it is", said the lawyer, "And what's your third question?"
***************
What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?
A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years. A good lawyer can make it last even longer.
***************
What's wrong with Lawyer jokes?
Lawyers don't think they're funny, and nobody else thinks they're jokes
**************
You Might Be a Lawyer if...
- you are charging someone for reading these jokes.
- you believe that a forty words' sentence is a short one.
- you have a daughter named Sue and a son named Bill.
- you can look at a contract and instantly tell whether it's verbal or written.
- your other car is a BMW.
- when you look in a mirror, you see a lawyer.
- when your wife says "I love you," you cross-examine her.
Miscellaneous Jokes
An engineering student is walking along when a fellow student arrives on a new bicycle. Impressed, he asks, "Where did you got this beautiful bicycle?"
"Well," the second engineering student says, "A couple of days ago I was just walking along when this gorgeous blonde pulls up, hops off the bike, rips off all her clothes, and says 'take what you want'."
The other engineering student nods and says "Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
************
"Dad, can you write in the dark?"
"I think so. What is it you want me to write?"
"Your name on this report card."
***********
Teacher: "Sam, what is the outside of a tree called?"
Sam: "I don't know."
Teacher: "Bark, Sam, bark."
Sam: "Bow, wow, wow!"
************
One day the zookeeper noticed that the orangutan was reading two books -- the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species. In surprise he asked the ape, "Why are you reading both those books"?
"Well," said the orangutan, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."
***********
A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"
The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"
The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."
***********
A software manager, a hardware manager, and a marketing manager are driving to a meeting when a tire blows. They get out of the car and look at the problem.
The software manager says, "I can't do anything about this - it's a hardware problem."
The hardware manager says, "Maybe if we turned the car off and on again, it would fix itself."
The marketing manager says, "Hey, 75% of it is working - let's ship it!"
***********
What's the difference between a musician and a savings bond?
-One of them eventually matures and earns money
***********
Musician: "Did you hear my last recital?"
Friend: "I hope so."
**********
Those three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their fathers are.
The first one says: "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow".
The second one says: "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet".
The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says: "You two know nothing about fast. My father is a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45"!
***********
Heaven and Hell
In Heaven:
The cooks are French,
The policemen are English,
The mechanics are German,
The lovers are Italian,
The bankers are Swiss.
In Hell:
The cooks are English,
The policemen are German,
The mechanics are French,
The lovers are Swiss,
The bankers are Italian.
Have a Great Joke?
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CommentsLoading...
Some great ones. Some magic ones
Some poor ones Some I would not cross the road for.
It hurts my knuckles to knock.
Thanks for some really good laughs.
I will endeavour to remember all the good ones.
At least until tomorrow.
LOL - thank you for making ME laugh, Mr. M! :-)
Great Hub Steph - haven't heard some of those before.
Thanks Eric - I discovered quite a few new ones myself!
G R O A N ! ! !
P.S. Do it again! Do it again!
Right! I know!! LOL.... (my kids were the inspiration for this one). Again? You mean another 100 silly clean jokes?? That could be tempting. :-)
i foundf few new ones
Steph you always include so much wonderful information in your hubs...you could number these and just tell us the number and then we could laugh...unless we hadn't heard it before. LOL
this was a lot of work.....wow! I'm so impresssed....
Great, Jacobworld!
Marisue.... I don't know about numbering them! After about 5 hours of editing, I started counting some of the cartoons as "jokes" too... hey, those are funny and humorous too! It was a lot of work, but I had soooooo much fun!! :-)
Steph! funnnnnny hub. The fun ones are always my favorite.Thanks for sharing. I have to try to remember some of these because they were just too hilarious.
regards Zsuzsy
Very cute Steph! By the way, my favorite joke is why did the chicken cross the road half way because now I have something new to share when I hear the old chicken corossed the road joke. Thanks for the excellent hub.
haha! Funny. I love that video. Kids are so cute. I like when that little boy is practicly stalking that girl and when that boy is trying to see what is inside the drawer. Haha. Loved it.
Tayler!
Wonderful Steph, some really great ones here. And my son will be thrilled!
LOL, first hub I read this week and I have been laughing like crazy, thanks. But now I´ll have to change one of the stories on my still unfinished "funny stories about computers" :D
This was fun. "Will the guy behind me EVER hit the right note?" Hilarious!
I laughed. I cried. I may have pooped a little...
Thanks everybody! My 8 and 10 year old sons had a big part in this one (BTW, the duck asking for the grapes at the bar is my 8-year old's favorite!) Taylor, I agree - that video is so funny. Love the little boy that keeps trying to sit down by the girl. Too precious! CW - I am laughing so hard at your comment.... well..... HA! (can't wait for your next joke hub, funride!)
Funny! I am such a bad joke teller - always blow the punchline. My 4 year old nephew is now "getting" jokes. I picked-up a few appropriate ones or him. Thanks!
That's good lewgard -maybe you can learn from him! LOL!
What a really great idea for a hub. Thanks for the chuckles in my day. Have been enjoying your other hubs very much too.
Anja
Fab hub, I am going to pass this on...and its about time!! I try to look up jokes once in a while and I will come across the raunchiest stuff ever, jokes can be clean and funny WITHOUT degrading women!! thanks Steph excellent job!
Thanks Anja and lady luck!
Awesome hub! Good clean fun - what an excellent laugh! My kids will enjoy some of these and the videos were a great touch. Well done.
A nice collection!
HILARIOUS hub! It's funny you say your kids helped, because I started showing my 9-year the chicken jokes and he is howling. Actually, now I regret showing him because now he will be repeating this to everyone ad naseum. :>) Thanks for a great hub and making my afternoon.
LOL! I put off reading this hub untill the kids were well occupied and I could fully enjoy it. Thanks for all the laughs! :)
Tranndee and Amy - mine are standing over my shoulder reading this as I write it! LOL! Glad you enjoyed it
clap clap very nice!
Oh good - funnebone likes my Jokes Hub! LOL!!
I just copied them and added profanities to every one so I could tell them to my peeps without getting gang beat.
lol@ funnybone!
Stephchick, thanks for this funhub of some good bad and lovely jokes and too much laughs to take in one day so bookmarked!!
;)
I know, compu-smart! Funnebone always makes me laugh, even at my own HUB! Thanks for the bookmark. I hope you find some good jokes to bring a smile to your face. Through in a few dirty lines if you like, a-la Funnebone. :-) Steph
LOL LOL! Omg Steph, can't believe I've never came across this hub! thanks for entertaining me. by the way, I've signed up on qassia, so I guess I'll see you there too :D
LOL - I feel like I am laughing along with you Sophie! :-) See you at Qassia.
I really needed these this morning! Since I don't have any person at home to share them with right now, I read the blonde jokes out loud to my red-headed golden retriever. She howled! Thanks, Steph.
Sally's Trove! Now that is funny! LOL!!
Really enjoyed these jokes! Great hub!
P/S That video clip with Simon Cowl has been disabled by Youtube.
thanks Terence! And I will replace the Simon Cowell video. I appreciate the tip. Steph
Steph--love the Hub! Nothing like a funny joke and a good laugh to make my day! Here's another one you might like--
A brunett says, "Look at that dead bird!"
The blond looks up into the sky and says, "Where?"
Ruthie! You joker you! That one is officially number 102! I love it! :-)
Haha..hilarious..great!
Thanks misterpm!
I spent five years in Minnesota. Here is one of my favorites (slightly paraphrased) from the great white north...
Two guys go ice fishing. They decide to fish opposite sides of the lake to see where the fish are biting best. After about an hour of fishing with no success, they notice a young boy walking to the center of the lake. Within five minutes, the boy pulls a 5 pound walleye out of the icy water. Two minutes later, another 5 pounder. This continues for about 30 minutes.
Finally, one of the men walks to the boy and asks, "How are catching all these fish?"
The boy replies, cheeks bulging, "Eweygoddakeethermswarm."
"What?" the man asks, a little frustrated.
Again the boy says, with a little more emphasis,
"EWEYGODDAKEETHEORMSWARM!"
"I don't understand. What are you trying to say?" the frustrated fisherman retorts.
The boy, clearly irritated at this point, sets down his fishing pole, spits into his gloved hands and says matter-of-factly, "YOU GOTTA KEEP THE WORMS WARM!"
This is more funny to hear than read, but still one of my favorites.
I look forward to sharing some of these with my 4 year old.
Ha, ha, ha!!! That is such a great one, SAHD! I've actually seen cub scouts perform that one as a skit. Its even better done "live." Thanks for sharing. I'm still chuckling. :-) Steph
Very nice post Stephhicks. I love the Chick-fil-a Cows. Great advertising move by them.
Thanks 02smitha! I agree, combine humor with getting your name out. That's some smooth advertising. :-)
good ones enjoyed them all
A gold Mine of laughs thanks
The Top 10 Things People Think About While Singing a Hymn - defenitley number 1! :))
LOL - I know Beth! I was laughing very hard at that top 10 list. Thank you for stopping by with a comment. :-) Steph
In a house with teenage boys, the jokes are seldom clean. My son's and I actually enjoyed our time reading these together. Their favorites were the blonde jokes. Thanks for the family fun.
Hi Dusty Spirit - I have boys too (not quite teens, but getting closer - my almost 11 year old acts as if he's a teen). LOL. Glad that you and your boys enjoyed the jokes. Mine did too when they helped me "put this together." :-) Steph
hilarious and funny pics too! Animals are so cute. That dog is in its own world for real.
this hub should keep me laughing for a while.
Rarestone1 - I know, these jokes are great! Its kind of funny, but I visit the collection from time to time just to get a good laugh. LOL!!
I loved the jokes.
There is a blondes joke site somewhere on the net, I cannot remember where. It has clean non sexist blonde jokes too, so the boys get a serve.
I will try to locate it to encourage you to do that again!
I really needed a good chuckle, and find no humor in sexist or other bad taste jokes that I will admit to. Great work as are all your hubs. Thanks for that.
I think jokes about hair color are ok, cos you can always dye your hair.
Great hub especially for the time people like me are moaning and searching for a fresh air of life. Great job! Thank you a lot for this hub!
Hi earnesthub and softalk - thank you for the compliments! Nothing like a nice clean joke to lift your spirits - and you can pass it along too! Best, Steph
Here's a recycled one my 5 year old granddaughter brought home from school I swear I heard it when I was at school (xxx years ago)
Knock knock "whose there?" boo. "boo who?"
"There There didn't mean to make you cry"
sorry.
Hi agvulpes! That one is classic. Thank you for adding it here. Kids love that joke. I'm going to go try it out with my children right now.
If the kids liked that joke try this one from my granddaughter.
Knock knock "whose there?" Isabel. "Isabel who?"
"Is a bell necessary on a bicycle?"
(groan)
Straight from our tv weather man:-
What do you get when you saw a comedian in half?
Two half-wits.
No!!! try this one then:-
What did one ear say to the other ear?
Hey,there's something that smells between us.
Oh yer here's one for the foxes among us?
Why did the FOX cross the road??
To get the chicken of course...LOL
Hi agvulpes - thanks! Those are also "groaner" jokes! LOL. My almost 11-year old laughed and proclaimed them "lame!" (sorry). But good for a chuckle, of course!
LAME LAME she says!!!!!!. (splutter) I'll......I'll......I'll show her????.
11 years old Eh?. gbtu
LOL - remember, in an 11-year old's vocabulary, "lame" is one of the top 10.
I thought that was "sick" we must be behind the times in OZ.
Please tell her that she's the "lamest"? nearly 11 year old I have the pleasure of knowing and if she ever joins HubPages can I be her first fan?.
OK I'm really gonna raise the bar with this one,
Why do sharks only swim in salt water?
give up?
Because pepper makes them sneeze!!!!
Well at least I'm trying.
OK - that is right. She's the lamest! LOL. Oh, and the salt water joke - that is definitely a good one. My 8-year old son approves.
"thank you" (bow) "thank you" (bow) "thank you" (bow)
Just can't resist one more weather man joke now my wife even thought this was funny:-
What do Private Investigators and Potatos have in common?
No
They have to keep their eyes peeled.
I love puns agvulpes! My kids will love this one (as will my father!) Thanks for another funny joke! LOL
Hi, Steph - Enjoyed the hub. As I read the hub, I felt like I was reading the script for "Airplane" (my favorite movie). My favorite was the short fortuneteller! I laughed out loud several times reading this...
Hi Bryan - Airplane! is such a great movie (what's our vector, victor?) with very funny lines... ha, ha, ha... it makes me laugh out loud just thinking about it. Thanks for sharing your comment. I'm glad you enjoyed the jokes. :)
I'd forgotten how funny that movie was (was that the first mention of "shirley", shirley not! Would you agree that Lloyd Bridges underplayed his part a little!
vector , victor ha ha ha and what about the auto pilot!
You just never know when DAD'S will show up. Hi Dad, hope you haven't got a Shotgun! (Gulp)
We foxes get a bit touchy you know! I'll go find him a Dad joke to throw him off the scent.
Well, Dad did you hear the one about..........
Excuse me, yes....
Not here, oh, ok.
Or there was the one about P........
no not that one either. Hmmm ok then.
They tell me when you tell a joke the timing is
everything?
You are quite entertaining, agvulpes. I have to chuckle. Maybe I don't want to, but I have to. LOL!
Well thank you mam! I'm flattered that you think my humour is even worth a smile, let alone a chuckle. (tickle tickle) Oh go on please just one more, you do look so cute when you chuckle?
btw I still haven't found a worthy Dad joke!
Ha, ha, ha! Actually, you should hear my laugh. Its pretty distinct. You've got to find a good dad-daughter joke. Look up wedding jokes... :) I'm waiting.....
Ok widen the parameters, is good! Don't go away!
I've actually just been watching a show on TV that looked a bit like a Dad-daughter joke. (if it wasn't so darn serious) A bit like Saturday Night Live in slow motion!
Anything with Steve Martin is good. SNL is also one of my favorites. I trust that you'll come through with another joke.... :)
Ok hears one for the kids to go on with:
Q: Why did the sand get wet
A: Because the sea-weed.
LOL - never heard that one before agvulpes. How about another blonde joke?
Brunette to Blonde: Look at that dead bird
Blonde: (looking up in the sky) Where?
I hate it when silly jokes make me laugh so much and sophisticated ones make me cry.
Isn't that the truth, Benson? We need a little levity these days...
An oldie but still a goodie. Just remember YOU opened the door for blonde jokes. How about redheads. Are there no limits! Today Blondes . Tomorrow the World!! !!!LOL!!!
hi steph, thought this was kinda cute:-
One day a blonde was walking along the side of a river.
On the opposite side she spotted another blonde!
She cupped her hands together and shouted out "How do you get to the other side?"
The other blonde cupped her hands together and shouted "You are on the other side!"
hehe....really funnny.....i like all ..........great hub,,,,,,,,,,,I became your fan...
Hi Express - thank you! Its always great to make someone laugh with a funny joke. :)
Wow those are some funny jokes you have very good jokes i had fun laughing but thanx for the jokes.
Hi Steph, just dropped in with another blonde joke :-|
Blonde: "Excuse me , what time is it right now?".
Woman: "It's 11.25 pm."
Blonde: (confused look on face) " You know, it's the weirdest thing, Iv'e asked that question thirty times today, and every time someone gives me a different answer!."
:-|
Yes, I know Steph I've got to try harder.
LOL!!! I really am laughing out loud, agvulpes! I haven't heard that blonde joke before. :)
Ok another one for the kids :)
What do you get when you cross an Octopus with a Cow?
give up........ OK.
An animal that can milk itself!.
I still haven't found a Dad joke, not one I'd tell a lady anyways!.
Oh my gosh! That is quite an image from the last joke... LOL!
Steph I hope your dads not Irish, but I thought this one worthy of your Hub!
An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet. 'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.
When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs!
'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?
'The Irishman nodded...'I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.'
'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.
'No, from the flamin' skippin'
LOL - Skipping.... I get it. ha, ha, ha!! You know, I heard another joke the other day and thought of you and sharing it here. Darn it, but its after 11:00 p.m. my time and way past bedtime. I'll see if a night of sleep will remind me and post it in the a.m. Skipping - maybe that's how I'll lose some weight. :)
Oh, now come on Steph your'e not trying to tell us you need to lose weight!
Or have you been telling us some porky pies?
I'm still waiting for that joke! (fingers tapping on desk)!!!!!
Well, I am just back from camping with a bunch of cub scouts (there has to be a joke in there somewhere, right?) I'm burned out and going through emails, etc. I probably do need to work off all the junk I ate at camp this weekend.... but I suppose the marathon training and running will keep my weight in check. Stay tuned. I'll come back with another joke soon.
Excellent Hub Steph,
It is great to see the creativity & the time and efforts that are put into creating such excellent hubs. Thank you.
marketingmergenow
Hi marketingmergenow, thank you! Many of my hubs are labors of love - this 100 clean funny jokes one, among them! :) Steph
Still waiting (fingers still tapping on desk)
fuckin great...i laughed my ass off really :)
Well there was this one about the poor turtle that got beat up by three snails,
when the policeman asked the turtle for details the poor turtle said:-
" I don't know everything happened just so fast"!!!!!!!!!
Har, har, har, har!!!!! That was a great one, agvulpes! I realize that I am delinquent in adding more clean jokes for your laughter.... been busy blogging at peachygreen.com. :) But I will try to come up with an early Christmas present or two.
Hi stephchick, I Just poped back to finish reading and thanks for some well needed laughing medicine!:)
Hi Compu-Smart - cool new avatar!! Glad my jokes are still keeping you laughing. :)
Nice list, I'd definately agree with.. Thanks for the excellent Hub! Its amazing... Good hub here with plenty of tips on keeping all the fanatics so so entertained.Thanks for the great Hub! Such a cool and nice to glance up this site
Thank you Veritcal
Hi steph, hopes this finds you in good spirits after the Christmas festivities, didn't eat too much did we? Hmmm I know I did.
Anyway hot off the Christmas Cracker Press. (I won't take the blame for this).
"Why did the mechanic sleep under the car????
No!
"He wanted to get up "oily" in the morning!!
Not to bad I thought!
Thanks for these Steph - particularly the blonde jokes - have bookmarked for future reference....lol
LOL Agvulpes - I LOVED the mechanic joke. My kids did too. I am home now after a week away and much, much snow. Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to you and yours. Best, Steph
Thanks for the greetings steph, and I hope that you and your family had a great festive season.
All right are you ready for a more sofistikated joke? Your'e gonna get it anyway!
What do you call a man with a paper bag over his head?
no!
Russell.
OMG - Russell!!! I love it (my mother-in-law's maiden name, so I'm going to pass this along to her). Happy New Year!!
Steph did you hear about the two Kangaroos that got married?
No !
Tell me this then:-why does an elephant lie on its back?
To trip low flying canaries!
They lived hoppily ever after!
It looks like my mords got wuddled!
Great jokes. You really made my day. Thanks for this great hub.
Ha, ha, ha!!! Those are great ones. The hoppily ever after one is hilarious. I love elephants too, so how about this one:
How can you tell what time it is when an elephant sleeps in your bed?
Time to get a new bed!
great job lots of laughs and i only got half way but my supper is ready so i will check back. allways need new jokes for my 4 and 5yr old they love them thanks
What a great and uplifting hub.Laughing is such great medicine.Thankyou for sharing these jokes with us.My trouble is I always forget the joke when I go to tell it grrrrr, I get so frustrated
ang pangit ng joke hindi nakakatawa sana mamatayna ang gumawa iwwwwwww!!!!
ha! Calling fowls! love it!
Hi..These look great! I have not heard of them before. Laughing is a great one..That is a fabulous idea..Great Hub.
Nice work. Thanks.
Really love these...telling them to friends, and still laughing!
Beth100
hAhAhAhAhAhAhahAhAHaHahAhA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Brilliant! I've had a wonderful laughing time! :)
I have a joke for you all....
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dr. Leroy...
the head psychiatrist at the local
mental hospital...
is examining patients to see if they're
cured and ready to re-enter society.
"So...
Mr. Clark"...
the doctor says to one of his patients....
"I see by your chart that you've been
recommended for dismissal.
Do you have any idea what you might
do once you're released?".
The patient thinks for a moment...
then replies...
"Well...
I went to school for mechanical engineering.
That's still a good field...
good money there.
But on the other hand....
I thought I might write a book about my
experience here in the hospital...
what it's like to be a patient here.
People might be interested in reading a
book like that. In addition...
I thought I might go back to college and
study art history...
which I've grown interested in lately".
Dr. Leroy nods and says...
"Yes...
those all sound like intriguing possibilities".
The patient replies...
"And the best part is...
in my spare time...
I can go on being a teapot".
WHAT DOES A GHOST TELL A BEE??
BOO-BEE!!!
nice and funny jokes
those were some great jokes.they were halarious.i loved them
i 4got wat 2 say
loved it...!!!
very gud.. :)keep it up
Thanks stephhicks68,
Wow, very funny jokes......hahahaha.
LOL THE JOKES ARE SO FUNNY ALL MY FRIENDS LIKE THEM HAHAHA SO FUNNY
You got some funny stuff here! Great job!
these jokes are good and funny... hope more comes because im looking forward to seeing and laughing to more!
it was fun! keep smiling everyone :D
You are making killing with this hub.
hahaha i like it! :)
nOTHING LIKE gOOD- "bBaaAD jOKES"- SAID THE LAMB
But I liked them all-
ya good jokes
These are really funny, especially the one liner ones.:) And blonde jokes too.
thanx...my loneliness s gone...!!!
Great great fun. Made my day.
A former pastor of mine loves jokes and he tells the same ones over and over. My favorite is the one where a guy is desperate to find work. He's looked all over, but just can't seem to get a job. So one day someone tells him there might be an opening at the zoo. He goes to the zoo and they say, well, we do have one job left.
oh great, the man says, what is it. How would you like to be a gorilla? "A gorilla," he asks, "Don't you have any real gorillia's." Well our last on just died and people are really complaining because we don't have a gorilla anymore. So the guy accepts the job and every day he dresses up in a gorilla suit and runs all over posturing, swinging from limb to limb, just overall, having a great time entertaining the masses. He became the star of the zoo. One day, the man/gorilla is especially energetic and begins swing wildly through his exhibit. He loses control and ends up next door in the lions den. The gorilla begins to scream and yell. He is trying frantically to get away from the lion. The gorilla is so out of control that lion starts walking up to him with a mad look on his face. "On no, oh no, I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die." When the lion finally gets up to the gorilla face to face, he says to the gorilla, "Shut up stupid, or you'll get us both fired."
Nice hub
I really enjoy
This is a great hub!!
Love them!!!!!!
Wow this amazing list of jokes and decent too.
Ha ha love the blonde ones
Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha hilarious i loved the video i would totally do that to one of my friends
Wow
Just the pit bull!! HAHAHAHA
i got a joke it is so funny how do you wake up lady gaga in the morning you poke her face!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Reading this hub is a perfect way to start the day. Thanks.
there is a guy in a room with no way out there is a piano a saw a table and a baseball bat, how does he get out......................he could take a key out of the piano and unlock the door...........he could use the bat gey three strike then he'd be out or he could saw the table in half then put it back then he'd have a hole!
such stupid WTF!! DUDE!!
Thats how come I love hubpage, I often discover brilliant hubs just as this one. The creators of this hub seriously took the time to fix it up nicely! Get's my vote without a doubt!
These are really funny. Thanks for the share
thanks for the jokes i will share them with the children at my child care
funny!FUNNY!
:D enjoyed my time with you... bookmarked this page and have been telling everyone the jokes that I especially liked.
Thanks for sharing...
Awesome Leslie!! Its always fun to share great jokes. :) Steph
haha! I love story of the blonde and the lawyer in the plane..I hope I can find a stupid lawyer like him..i'll be rich if I'm with him always..LOL! @lambservant I love your joke..do you have more? hahahaha!!!
oh zis tng is so funny...am jst laughin out loud in z starbuks in z middle of a whole bunch of peoples.................omg lol
Hahahaha
Thanks for the laughs
Wow hahah these are too funny! Better than dirty jokes for sure!
Really nice jokes, I really luved them reading....
love them make some more or even make a joke book
these jokes are stupid
nice one! keep posting..
very good
my girl friend loved them!!!!!!!!!!!
i like it
I really enjoyed all of those mini pictures/comments.
i have a joke to tell
ON MY STREET I HAVE THE ONLY WHITEHOUSE ON MY STREET.
GET THE JOKE POST AND TELL ME YOUR REPLY?
Ocwardddddd
Bob Ewing Level 3 Commenter 3 years ago
:) Thanks for the laughs.